Real

It’s 5am. I’ve been tossing and turning for an hour. I told him everything about when I lied to him and it’s hard for him to believe that I didn’t lie before we moved. I felt so loved at home though. I leave my computer open every day in hopes that he reads these but I know he doesn’t. 

I logged into Facebook about 20 minutes ago and saw he posted a depressed face against a black background. Last night I asked him to hug me and he said no. I see it on his face more every day. It’s over. I don’t know why I still have hope though. Maybe because we live together? It’s definitely over though. It doesn’t seem real. He didn’t say the words but he won’t let me touch him and we’ve basically been avoiding each other for three days. Our texts are all talking about the past and me trying to fix things but I can’t. I broke them. 

My mom leaves tomorrow and I feel like I’m going to throw up. I’ve lost 6 pounds from the inability to eat and the knots in my stomach. What happens when she leaves? I can’t cry anymore but I feel like I want to scream and beg him for one more try. I did this to myself. I did this to him. I know he won’t ever forgive me. 

I think about the idea of other people in my life and I get sick to my stomach. I don’t want anyone else. I want him. It’s always been him. I would erase every male from my life with the exception of my dad to keep him around.

Today I thought about the phrase “if you love something, set it free”. I think it’s total bullshit. If you love something, hold onto it, love it more, experience life with it, share magic with it. I did the opposite. I crushed it. 

I look back at the past year and try to re-feel the feelings I had when I was being the terrible person but I can’t. There are so many reasons I was unhappy and I know it but all I can think about now is how I ruined another person’s heart. A person I love so much. 

I lied to him and spent time with people I should not have but the entire time all I wanted was his affection and attention and I went about it the completely wrong way. I tried to fill a void because I felt so rejected. 

I have to remind myself about all the bad things that pushed me away in the first place but I can’t. I thought that would help me keep my sanity, but it won’t. *deep breath in* *deep breath out* I did this and now I have to face the consequences.

I guess it doesn’t matter much now. I’m so not ready for this. I don’t want to be alone or date or anything. I want him. I want us back in his room in Staten Island with the door closed and the air conditioning on and me falling asleep on his chest with my arms around his waist. It all seems like a dream now. 

I know we both had a lot of growing up to do and in different ways but I thought we could do it together. 

I feel this horrible burning sinking feeling in my chest all day long. I cry every day multiple times. 

Were we right for each other? Who knows.

If he does walk away from me, and I’m almost 100% positive he will, then I hope he finds happiness, travels the world, meets a penguin, grows as a person and finds someone who will never hurt him the way I did. 

I’m not ready to sleep without him in my apartment. I’m not ready to not have him walk through the door after work. I’m not ready to hear the fridge open at all hours of the night and not pair his socks as they come out of the dryer. I’ve never been heartbroken before. I have an insanely high pain tolerance but this is the most painful experience I have ever been through and it’s all my fault. 

I hope I survive this. 

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