Blank

It’s been a few days since I’ve posted. I’ve been trying to figure out my thoughts on my own without public interaction. Yesterday I had a good day. He and I didn’t speak much and I just let myself feel a little freedom. It almost didn’t feel free though. I went to work, went to dinner with friends and then went to a coworkers house to play card games and drink a little. I invited him and he said no, as expected.

It was a weird feeling. I haven’t been “alone” in 7 years…. I always had that person. The guy I could snuggle up to on the couch or put my legs on or drunk kiss when I wanted the affection. I looked around the room last night and saw my friends and their guys and it made me really depressed.

I came home and went right for him. I wanted to feel him. I wanted him to show me a little piece of the fact that he wanted me. I hugged him and he hugged me back, kinda. I went in for a kiss and he shifted his head away from me, so I put my hand up to try and see if I could convince him and I got so upset when he pushed me away.

Every time he pushes me away or doesn’t answer me, it pushes me away further and I’m scared.

Limbo

It’s been two days since my mom left. I typically don’t like smoking anymore but I did last night. Sometimes it makes me feel happy and laugh at the things I wouldn’t normally. I haven’t really eaten in a week so I figured maybe it would help me put something in my stomach. 

I had a few good laughs and then the bad thoughts set in. Yesterday, he sent me a message that basically said I would have let him propose to me and marry me and I never would have told him anything about this and he never would have known about any of it unless he snooped through my phone. It hit me in the chest so much harder than I expected. I guess I just thought I would never end up married and I told him that but didn’t realize he had goals or plans like that. I had no idea that was even a concept in his mind until yesterday even though I used to say “I love you forever”.  We never talked about a future like that, just a future with each other traveling. 

After my mental state was altered, I began to overthink. It had been over a month that he had been saying “I need time” to figure this all out. To determine if he wanted to stay with me or not. I’ve been pressing the issue and I really thought it was because I am the most impatient person in the world but I came to another realization last night. 

Backtracking a little bit. During the time I went astray, I honestly believe I went out looking for emotional support and nothing else. The brain is capable of loving three people at the same time or one person fully. I loved him with every ounce of myself but when I started feeling rejected and alone, I couldn’t bring myself to subject my heart to that feeling any longer so I went out looking for it. Strictly that, I wanted nothing else and I didn’t want to care for anyone else, I just wanted to feel the support that I wasn’t getting at home. 

Back to last night. It has been 8 days since we’ve touched. 8 days since I hugged him, since I felt like I needed him. He loves my nails long so I’ve been growing them, he likes me trimmer so I’ve been working on my eating habits. I’ve been cleaning every day. But last night I pushed until I scratched his head with my long nails. He liked it but it still looked like he didn’t want it. 

I realized after that that this was the same thing all over again. I need something from him. I need the forgiveness and I need the love because I came back to him still with that void and still with that emptiness that I wanted him to fill all along and instead he’s keeping me at an arms distance and I’m putting myself through the torture all over again. I won’t go astray this time because I know what it does to him and to me and I know it was so wrong. But my heart aches so badly. How long can I feel like this? How long can I hurt for. 

Up until a week ago, all I wanted was his touch. We had sex once and I felt vindicated but then it didn’t happen again after that and I felt disgusting. I layed in bed the morning after the altered state of mind and it took everything not to roll over and hug him. What prevented me from doing it though was the feeling I knew I would get when he pushed me away. That feeling of rejection. I was not ready to feel that again. But did I really want to hug him? Or did I just want to feel skin on mine? He hates me, I can feel it every time we talk, which is only in text form at this point. I really just want him to reach out and hug me without me asking for it. I want to feel every emotion that goes through my body at that point in time. I want to know if I really want him and still crave him or if I am too hurt to be hugged by him. 

I’m not a hugger. I hate being touched and my coworkers know that, but recently, everyone has been hugging me, knowing that I’m in a bad state of mind. I have been welcoming the hugs oddly enough. How is that possible? Is it just that I honestly feel so alone that I’ll take any form of emotional love that’s sent my way? I don’t want that. I distance myself from every guy I know. I barely speak to my coworkers besides my female ones. I am trying to prove to him that I’m more the girl he’s always wanted now than I ever was. But is he the guy I’ve wanted? He still hurts me and keeps me at an arms distance. He only sees me as a threat to him emotionally. He doesn’t see that he hurt me as badly as he did and he’s still doing it. I really needed him and he let me sit in my own misery for months before and after I did what I did. 

But he won’t see it like that, he never will and that’s something I either have to live with or walk away from. I’m not ready to walk away though. I’m not sure I ever will be. The pain I’m feeling is more self inflicted then brought on by him at this point. 

For now, I go to work, I put my head down, I do my job, I come home, I watch tv, I go to sleep. Then I start the cycle all over again while I wait for him to make up his mind about me. Limbo sucks. 

Sleeping with Benadryl 

I tell myself that it’s for allergies but it’s really because it’s the only thing that makes me sleep through the night without horrible nightmares. I’ve been getting them for about a year. Ever since this all started. They have been so bad that I wake up in a pool of my own sweat and can’t go back to bed without taking something or scrolling through social media until I can’t keep my eyes open anymore. 
Tonight, I took two. I can’t keep up this charade. Every day there’s something new that’s bothering him about what I did. If it’s that bad, then walk away. Please. 

I change my mind every day if I want him to stay with me or leave me alone but the more he tortures me, the more I want to be alone. It’s like emotional abuse. 

Okay let me take a step back. Yes, what I did was wrong. Yes, what I continued to do was wrong. No, I’ll never feel what he felt. No, he will never understand the feelings I had. 

Back to my emotions now. 

He comes home at 9:20 every night like clockwork. The cat jumps off the counter, runs to the door and then I hear his keys jingle and he walks in. 9:45 rolled around tonight and I got curious. Was he still at work? 10:00 rolled around and I text him “are you still at work?” No response. I went outside to see if his bike was there and it was, chained to the fence like usual. Where was he? I brought the mail key down so I wouldn’t feel so pathetic going down to just see if his bike was there. I tried one more time. “Are you at the bar?” He never goes out anymore but I just had a gut feeling that he was going to try and make me pay for all the times I left his texts unanswered. 10:05 he texts me. He’s at the bar. My heart sank a little. I shouldn’t have text him. I knew it would start an eruption that could not be stopped. 

In every post I put up, I recognize that the way I handled the situation of our relationship was wrong but I truly feel like my guts are being ripped out. He keeps asking me to tell him what else I’ve done but I haven’t done anything else. Nothing. He just doesn’t want to believe me…

My mom leaves tomorrow and I’m afraid to be home alone with him. Not because he will hurt me physically but because he’s so cold and isolating. I feel like I have to stay confined to the bedroom now while he has the living room. It’s so uncomfortable but I don’t want to sleep at a friend’s. I would rather he know I’m in bed in the next room over instead of letting his mind wander. I do try, I’m just so scared that he’s going to leave anyway and I’ll be left standing here to pick up the pieces of my heart while he goes out and let’s other people piece his back together. 

Real

It’s 5am. I’ve been tossing and turning for an hour. I told him everything about when I lied to him and it’s hard for him to believe that I didn’t lie before we moved. I felt so loved at home though. I leave my computer open every day in hopes that he reads these but I know he doesn’t. 

I logged into Facebook about 20 minutes ago and saw he posted a depressed face against a black background. Last night I asked him to hug me and he said no. I see it on his face more every day. It’s over. I don’t know why I still have hope though. Maybe because we live together? It’s definitely over though. It doesn’t seem real. He didn’t say the words but he won’t let me touch him and we’ve basically been avoiding each other for three days. Our texts are all talking about the past and me trying to fix things but I can’t. I broke them. 

My mom leaves tomorrow and I feel like I’m going to throw up. I’ve lost 6 pounds from the inability to eat and the knots in my stomach. What happens when she leaves? I can’t cry anymore but I feel like I want to scream and beg him for one more try. I did this to myself. I did this to him. I know he won’t ever forgive me. 

I think about the idea of other people in my life and I get sick to my stomach. I don’t want anyone else. I want him. It’s always been him. I would erase every male from my life with the exception of my dad to keep him around.

Today I thought about the phrase “if you love something, set it free”. I think it’s total bullshit. If you love something, hold onto it, love it more, experience life with it, share magic with it. I did the opposite. I crushed it. 

I look back at the past year and try to re-feel the feelings I had when I was being the terrible person but I can’t. There are so many reasons I was unhappy and I know it but all I can think about now is how I ruined another person’s heart. A person I love so much. 

I lied to him and spent time with people I should not have but the entire time all I wanted was his affection and attention and I went about it the completely wrong way. I tried to fill a void because I felt so rejected. 

I have to remind myself about all the bad things that pushed me away in the first place but I can’t. I thought that would help me keep my sanity, but it won’t. *deep breath in* *deep breath out* I did this and now I have to face the consequences.

I guess it doesn’t matter much now. I’m so not ready for this. I don’t want to be alone or date or anything. I want him. I want us back in his room in Staten Island with the door closed and the air conditioning on and me falling asleep on his chest with my arms around his waist. It all seems like a dream now. 

I know we both had a lot of growing up to do and in different ways but I thought we could do it together. 

I feel this horrible burning sinking feeling in my chest all day long. I cry every day multiple times. 

Were we right for each other? Who knows.

If he does walk away from me, and I’m almost 100% positive he will, then I hope he finds happiness, travels the world, meets a penguin, grows as a person and finds someone who will never hurt him the way I did. 

I’m not ready to sleep without him in my apartment. I’m not ready to not have him walk through the door after work. I’m not ready to hear the fridge open at all hours of the night and not pair his socks as they come out of the dryer. I’ve never been heartbroken before. I have an insanely high pain tolerance but this is the most painful experience I have ever been through and it’s all my fault. 

I hope I survive this. 

The text

Last night I got the text I was dreading.

“Please do not rush me with this, I’m trying to find reasons to make this work but I just don’t know how I can go back to it. If you need an answer now then you already know what it is.”

Please don’t end it. I really will do anything.

I am so impatient, but I’m trying so hard to give him time. If this is the make it or break it point, I’ll do whatever it takes but it feels like I’m torturing myself.

I miss him so much even though he sleeps in the room right next to me. I know he’s not in it anymore but I am not ready to lose him. I don’t think I ever will be.

If I could build a time machine and go back in time and not have done anything, I would 1,000x over. I would have never talked to my friends about him, I would have defended him to my family, I wouldn’t have lied to him. I would have been better to him…

Adulting

I have loved my parents more than anyone on this whole planet for my entire existence. I moved to Hawaii and I still love them but I never realized how being away from them allowed me to blossom and grow into my own person and maybe I actually need more space from them than I thought I did. I might even still need more space.

I sort of feel suffocated, though I am 5,000 miles west.

My mom is a wonderful person but she is so overbearing, creates her own problems through lies and avoidance, overthinks, micromanages and feels like the victim all the time.

My dad is amazing and has provided me with this life filled with opportunity but he is harsh to others, unemotional, demanding, structured, time sensitive, by the book and generally unhappy.

I see so much of them in me and I really don’t want that anymore. I want them to still love me but to let me be me. I can’t be them. I already am and it has ruined so much in my life. I need to be me.

I am deeply considering closing out all my social media and going tech free- minus the blog- for a month. Even through texts I feel the judgement from them and sometimes I need a break.

My mom is visiting now and I catch myself telling her to calm down and stop overthinking every single day. Am I like that to other people? Do I micromanage, worry and put myself in these situations too? Yeah, I must. Maybe her being here is a good thing so I can see what not to do in the future…

Ugh. What is life right now…

The damn whole story

Today I realized that I don’t have anyone to talk to about my feelings and problems. My best friends are sick of hearing about it, my boyfriend is the one person who I want to talk to but he won’t listen and my parents go on the defense every time. I previously went to a therapist, but I left feeling worse every time, so that stopped. I have resorted to the internet because sometimes you need the ear (or eyes) or a person who does not actually know you at all. Either that or I just had to get my thoughts down in print so I could make the decisions I really needed to make.

Here goes: This is the story of how my relationship went from the most amazing thing in my life to the thing that eats me alive and makes me cry every single night.

Allow me to start with how we met. I met Derrick a few days after I started my new job at a gym. I was told by my other coworkers that he was a flirt and I should be friends but stay away. We worked together for two days and then all my coworkers went out in the city, Manhattan, and I decided to go too. I knew he was going and I wanted to get to know my coworkers. We had flirted a bit at work and then he Instagram direct messaged me his phone number before we went out to the city. We chatted a bit via text and then after a few drinks and some dancing, he ended up at the same bar as us. We danced some more and then the next thing I knew, I was pinned up against the wall and he was kissing me. It was all a blur but the most perfect blur I had ever felt. It was strong, sexy and fun. All the things I had been longing for. It got a little more hot and heavy on the dance floor but when we realized it was public, it stopped. Side note- I actually have heartburn writing this right now. You’ll understand why if you keep reading.

I had just gotten out of a terrible 5 year relationship where we were actually terrible to each other and Derrick was a dream. He was so good to me. Spontaneous, exciting, motivating, he made me so happy. He invited me over to watch Game of Thrones and order chinese food from my favorite place. I was so nervous that my heart was leaping out of my chest. This was three years ago and I remember it like it was yesterday. I went over and ended up laying on his chest and then his lap. He leaned down and kissed me and it was all over. I was hooked. I wanted him in every aspect.

The sex was awesome. It was like fire and love in the same moment. It was every day and all the time but I wanted more than that. We started seeing each other in March but we were not officially in a relationship until June. Prior to the start of our actual relationship, some bad things happened. I have some interesting tattoos that draw a lot of attention. They are not visible to the naked eye, but when some articles of clothing come off, they are very shocking. Kind of sexy, kind of crude. I was so used to my last relationship where he did not care that I got used to using my body for attention. It was terrible. At some point, I lost the concept of what I got out of it and instead just made it that I liked the attention I got in general and I showed everyone via photos. I liked the reactions I got until I started seeing Derrick. He was so taken aback and so upset by my behavior that I knew I had to make changes. I worked my ass off to prove to him that I would never cheat on him, never lie to him and never hurt him. I stopped being the girl I got used to being and started being the model girlfriend. I did everything I could for him. Doted on him, bought things for him, surprised him with things and so much more. I wanted the world for him and I truly felt like I had the access to be able to give it to him.

But here we are and apparently I’ve done it all. You’ll get to it, don’t worry, keep reading.

We had been together for a year and a half and we decided to up and move to Hawaii. I had gotten into the University on the Big Island of Hawaii and we made the move after 8 months of planning. Everyone either warned us not to or congratulated us and told us we were amazing together.

January 5th, 2016 we moved into our apartment in Kailua Kona. It was not an easy start at all. We blew through about 8 grand in under 5 months. It was next to impossible finding a job we could keep and that we liked, plus on top of all of our struggles, we were using one car which I used to drive across the island to get to school (before he got a moped) and we had adopted a cat. The problems just kept coming. Money was tight, I was constantly stressed out, Derrick re-injured his shoulder and was out a job for a few months laid up on the couch and my stress level skyrocketed. I blamed him for not being able to help me financially, I took on the burden for as much as I could and he was in so much pain that he ended up on pain medication. Our relationship went from the most perfect thing in the universe to something not so great. I worked a lot and I met a lot of people. Part of my job was to get call backs to make bookings for sales for my company. I gave my phone number out a bunch and he was not happy. I could never draw the line between being friendly and being flirty but he saw it as me always playing dumb or being flirty even though I never saw it like that.

His shoulder pain got so bad and our relationship diminished so much that the sex stopped. I had to beg or jump on him. We started smoking a lot of weed at that point and the responses were always “I don’t have the drive, the medicine does that to me” or “I’m too high”. I had to fight for his attention. I started looking elsewhere. Not sexually, just I needed people in my life that I felt cared. I found them…all superficial and in the wrong places. Eventually it got to a point where I felt so rejected that I did not feel like I belonged in my own apartment. I would stay out late and drive around and call my mom. I made friends with two girls and two guys who I hung out with a handful of times but they weren’t really friends. Sometimes I lied to Derrick about where I was and told him I was with them when I really wasn’t. In reality, I used to just drive as far as I could and listen to music or call my mom because I knew I did not want to go home.

He started following me or going looking for me at a certain point. I told him where I “was” and he would go and when I wasn’t there, we would fight about it when I got home. Sometimes I did it purposely because the only time I got his attention was when we fought. I craved his attention so badly. I wanted his touch. I wanted to feel his lips on mine, his body on top of me, I wanted his arms holding me tight like I had a year ago. But I never got it. I made friends with two guys and didn’t tell him about them. He thinks I cheated but I never did. I wouldn’t have been able to stay with him if I did that. I just wanted to feel like I had people in my life that wanted to be around me. My job wasn’t the best for making real friends so I sought them out elsewhere. Both of them were the wrong people to have in my life. One of them made me feel like I was a horrible person and did things I did not like and our friendship was sporadic and more of an acquaintanceship and the other was so interesting at first and the friendship halted to a stop.

The first guy I met at a party, I was a straggler and so was he. We didn’t know a bunch of people so we stayed with the one person we did know. A mutual friend gave him my phone number without asking my permission and knowing I was in a long term relationship. Every time I actually saw him (3x) he was drunk. I later realized he was an alcoholic and a percocet addict with a hot temper. I went to his place once for a party which I left less than an hour in, once I drove him home from a bar I was at with a friend and we chatted for a bit in my car about his ex, his job and life. I went over one more time with some friends and I let him put his arm around me on the couch. When I felt uncomfortable, I wanted to go and he tried to kiss me but I wasn’t having it. He knew my situation. I was standing up and I turned away to leave and he grabbed my arm really forcefully and raised his voice at me. I was baffled and I pulled away and left and we did not speak again after that. I drove home trying to give myself a reason why he would do that. Did I lead him on? no. Was he drunk? yes. Is that a good enough reason? no. How could I tell Derrick? I didn’t, I called my mom in tears because he grabbed my arm so hard that I had a red mark and I was a little spooked.

The second guy worked right next to me. We would talk about the stars, science and psychology. I missed having an intelligent friend so much that I latched on. He was very touchy though. Touched my arms and my hands quite a bit. He was very into astrology and palm reading, so I let him. Every time he touched my hand, I felt this weird tingle like it wasn’t supposed to happen. I told him everything about my relationship with Derrick and often cried either at work or when I was with him and his roommates. Eventually, he and I got into a blowout about how I was too emotional and didn’t want to hear about Derrick anymore and I was such a bubbly person (I hear this from everyone) but the situation I was in was bringing me down and in result, bringing him down too and he couldn’t tolerate it anymore. He called me at home while I was sitting on the couch with Derrick. He yelled at me for about 15 minutes via phone and that was the end of the friendship and the beginning of more problems with Derrick. I continued to lie to Derrick about the nature of my relationship with him by not telling him anything about who he was. I could have avoided it all by just telling him but I didn’t. I didn’t think he cared. I didn’t think at all. I just did. But like I said, never sexually, not even once. It was all mental. I wanted to smile and laugh and feel freedom but that should have been with Derrick. I just didn’t feel it.

October came around and our relationship was extra rocky. We both started new jobs that month. He was supposed to have shoulder surgery but couldn’t because of the new job. His family came to visit and we fought some more.

December, we had a blow out fight where it all came out. It was really bad. Really eye opening and really horrible. My friend Eva was so sick of hearing about it that she kept pushing me to just end it and get on with someone else. That’s her method. So I did the most outrageously wrong thing ever. I made up a lengthy lie about how I slept with the first guy (because I had told her about him so I used him more as a concept than an actual person) and I’ll never do it again. Derrick went through my phone and saw it. I seriously just wanted Eva off my back. I really just thought she would shut up and stop talking about it, but it made it worse. She text me about all the details all the time and I finally had to call her and fess up. He still to this day believes I’m lying to him about what actually happened but would I really still want him this badly if I was? I still want him so much it hurts. It hurts every fiber of my being.

January, he started having severe dental pain on top of his shoulder. It kept getting worse.

March our relationship completely fell apart. We stopped speaking. We came home, watched tv and he slept on the couch while I slept in the bed. I made female friends at my new job that I could talk to. I told one of them everything. I couldn’t live like that anymore. I needed out. April we got so close to breaking up that we actually had the conversation of who would keep our cat when we broke up. I could not handle any more of the rejection. It hurt so much. I had to distance myself. I started getting nasty to him. Stopped talking to him, changed his name in my phone from the loving name to just Derrick. Everything, it was over.

It’s now May. I graduated this past weekend and up until two days before, he wasn’t going to come to my graduation. We agreed. I hugged him one night during the week prior and there was nothing there. We didn’t want each other anymore.

Two days before, I got into bed with him in the morning and sobbed harder than I ever had. I had to go into work soon but I needed him to know I wasn’t actually ready to give up yet. We had sex. It wasn’t normal. It felt forced. I felt like I forced him to do it against his will. We agreed we would work on things but I think it’s all real love on my end and superficial bullshit on his end. He’s over me and I can feel it. I hurt him so badly that he doesn’t know where to turn. I’m so heartbroken that I cry every night. I apologize for little things and feel bad for everything. If I do something he doesn’t like, I trip over myself to fix it but he still doesn’t recognize my effort. I’ve gone through his phone a few times and he has done the same to me. Real trusting relationship, right? He told his family about what happened. He hates my family and I get that but now his family hates me and my family too. He won’t admit it, but that’s what family does. It’s so uncomfortable.

I honestly don’t know what I expect but my feelings vacillate every other day. I love and hate him so much at the same time. What am I fighting for though? To be in a relationship without any trust? To feel like I’m walking on egg shells for the rest of my life? I honestly have no idea.

I talked to a therapist about the situation and she said “In this case, the only way it will work is if you both forgive each other and let yourselves trust each other and you put the past in the past and start fresh… or you let go and walk away”. I’m not ready to walk away and I don’t know why.

We don’t touch each other at all and I still crave him. I want to smell the way his skin smells and run my nails through his hair. I want to rub his back and his legs,¬† I want to snuggle into his body like I have for the past three years. I want to do nice things for him and throw my phone into the ocean and forget about everyone in life but us but I’m sure that’s not what he wants.

When I’m with other people, I’m fine. On the drive back to my house, I get instantly depressed. I check his social media at least once a day to see if he has taken down the posts of us…he took down some of them, the real loving ones. It hurt so much. I can only imagine how he feels but I still want to fix it. I want my babe back.

Someone help me? I’m begging. I have never been this depressed in my entire life. Everyone has been through breakups, but I don’t want to go through this. How do I fix this?¬† …I’m not sure I can and I’m so close to having my entire world collapse.